When I recommend individual counseling for my family law clients going through difficult transitions, it’s because I have personal experience as to how beneficial it can be. A midlife crisis in 2013 led me back to therapy. One of the most useful things I learned during this most recent bout of counseling was to not be reactive when I felt attacked.
My counselor would impart this wisdom by asking me how I would react if someone called me a purple unicorn. Her point was that I wouldn’t feel a need to defend that accusation, not simply because it wasn’t true but because it was patently untrue. I began to realize that when someone said something hurtful to or about me, it might have nothing to do with me or my behavior but might be due to the speaker’s own issues. Realizing I didn’t have to react to every (or even most) attack was liberating. I had many fewer stressful moments each day and way fewer confrontations with family and peer.
Yet the lesson that one need not respond to every slight is a lesson few folks ever learn. When I have a reactive client, who is constantly being triggered by a spouse, ex-spouse, or co-parent, I try to counsel him or her to be less reactive. The question I pose is “how would you react if I called you a purple unicorn.” The answer I hope for is, “I would ignore you” or, even better, “I would think you’re an idiot.” The answer I generally get: “I’m not a purple unicorn.” It’s the wrong answer. Unless an allegation is made in an actual court proceeding, it doesn’t need to be refuted.
Defending against false allegations often makes them more credible to bystanders. Telling folks, “I am not a crook” makes them wonder if you’re a crook. Experience has taught me that folks hearing some horrible and improbable allegation about me are more likely to think ill of the accuser than about me—especially those who know me well enough that my reputation with them is important to me.
Of course, Dear Reader, you are not a purple unicorn.[i] You don’t need to defend yourself from that allegation. Moreover, you don’t need to defend yourself from every scurrilous and defamatory statement the other side makes about you. Indifference and silence are generally the more effective response.
[i] If, however, you are purple and have a cone shaped horn with spiral indentations growing out of your forehead, please come see me. I want my rainbow sprinkles.
THIS is why you’re the best. Your ability to help your clients keep a level head & keep them focused on what actually matters in their case is incredible. Thanks Greg