I have a fundamental jurisprudential difference with most of my family law colleagues and many of the state family court judges regarding how one should deal with misbehaving stepparents in custody litigation.[1] Their typical response is to join them as parties and subject them to restraining orders. My preferred response is to make parents strictly liable for their spouse’s misbehavior. If the goals are to stop the misbehavior and protect the children I remain unconvinced that the conventional approach is better.
If the stepparent is truly abusing the children, the family court can–and should–bring child protective services proceedings pursuant to the authority of S.C Code § 63-7-20 (4)(f). However, typically, stepparents are joined as parties to restrain them from behaviors that don’t rise to the level of child abuse but are causing the children distress. Once these stepparents are joined as parties, and restraints put in place, these stepparents can be held in contempt for violations of the restraining orders. The court attempts to control the problematic behavior through the threat of contempt sanctions.
There’s numerous reasons to discourage this approach. Adding more parties to the case geometrically increases the complexity of the basic litigation because more parties and more attorneys need to be accommodated. Also it is difficult to document the type of behaviors that these restraining orders are intended to prevent, as they typically take place within the spouse’s home. As these stepparent problems arise because a parent is more loyal to the spouse than to the children, or aligns with the stepparent against the children, documenting this contempt is even harder. Further, the heightened burden of proof for contempt–clear and convincing evidence– makes it less likely that the misbehavior will be proven than when it only needs to be proven by a preponderance of the evidence as part of custody determinations.
Additionally, contempt sanctions are imperfect tools for correcting stepparent misbehavior. The family court is justifiably reluctant to impose criminal contempt sanctions on non-parents for violations of restraining orders. Civil contempt findings against stepparents generally result in an admonishment not to do the offending behavior again and a requirement of paying the other side’s attorney’s fees. Meanwhile, the spouse of the stepparent is able to sidestep responsibility for behavior that he or she ought to be required to control.
I believe it is better jurisprudence to simply make a parent strictly liable for any of his or her spouse’s misbehavior towards the children. That parent chose to make the stepparent part of the children’s household. If this choice was, or becomes, an example of poor judgment, it ought to result in that parent having less or no time with the children–rather than trying to punish the stepparent while allowing the parent to evade responsibility. If the court refrained from joining stepparents as third-parties to custody litigation, and simply informed parents that they would be held responsible for any of their spouse’s misbehavior, parents would be forced to control stepparent behavior toward their children rather than abdicating that responsibility to the stepparent or the court. Failure to exercise this responsibility would, and should, result in a loss of custody (for custodial parents) or visitation time (for non-custodial parents).
Early in my career I brought contempt proceedings against a father who was allowing his new wife to exercise corporal punishment on the children in violation of the court order. That father defended the rule to show cause by claiming he did not approve of his wife’s behavior. The court didn’t care: it simply wanted to know if he was aware of it. Since he was aware of it the court held him responsible for it. When he asked the judge what he should do if his wife continued to spank the children, the judge told him he should separate from her. The corporal punishment problem stopped immediately thereafter. So long as this father could elude responsibility for his wife’s behavior he was happy to do so and allow his wife to act as she wished. However once the court made him responsible, the offending behavior stopped.
I believe family law attorneys and family court judges are mistaken in joining stepparents as parties for custody litigation. There is greater ability to make such behavior stop when parents risk losing time with their children due to their spouse’s misdeeds.
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[1]While this blog specifically discusses stepparents, the suggestion applies whenever there are other adults living within a parent’s household. Stepparents are simply the most common example of such adult household members.
I think what you are commenting on has some prior precedent; specifically when, in standard restraints, parties are restrained from disparaging the other parent or permitting third parties from doing so. I do agree with you that having a strict liability standard would help, but again, what if the offending party was not aware of the third party’s behavior? How should the party be punished? What if it is a matter of criminal contempt? There are also strategic reasons why adding a third party to the case for the purpose of resolving the matter would be advisable. If a third party is brought into court, pressure may be applied by the significant other upon the party to resolve the matter sooner than later.
I think you apply the pressure by changing custody or limiting visitation when a parent cannot or will not control the stepparent.
Hi, this case I am reading nearly pin points m situation. My sons father is allowing his wife to interfere with my bond as a biological mom, and he allows this behavior. She is a meth addict, and lost custody of her own kids, and he is leaving our son in the care of his new wife while he works overnight shifts. I am looking for case law that supports he is failing to supervise our child, and I should be awarded full decision making. Can you help me ot with a case law? Thank you!!
Does the mother of a child have to have contact with the childs step mother if there have been continuous confrontations between the mother and stepmother? The father of the child is unwilling to mediate between the mother and stepmother. Would a restraining order against the stepmother be an appropriate action?
As the blog notes, the remedy shouldn’t be a restraining order against the stepmother, but one against the father.
Hello, I’m a 17 year-old in New York State. My step father is constantly in my face screaming and yelling at me, and has raised his hand to me a couple times, but not laid a hand on me. I am very much afraid of him and I fear one of these times he’ll actually do it as he shows no remorse. I constantly tell him when we fight if he touches me I’ll call the cops, so he stands in between me and the phone and says I won’t do s*** about it. My mom has been married to him for almost eight years, but this stuff recently developed this year and she just sits there and watches it. I don’t know what to do, or if there is anything I can even do as I go to mental health for depression and self-harm and he’s only making it worse. What am I able to do about it?
Is your dad involved in your life? If so you might ask him for help. If not you might talk to your school’s guidance counselor. Good luck.
Hi, I have a question. I found out my step mother just threw out all of my blood brothers things. There were precious things such as pictures and things that could not be replaced. What could I do? My father said he knew nothing about this, but he supports what the woman did.
We live in Georgia. My daughter and I have had nothing but problems from the stepmother she will not allow us to have the daddy’s cell phone only the hone phone and he will not answer the home phone half the time. She bashed my daughter in Facebook and in front of her 5 year old child . I met to pick him up a couple weeks ago and the daddy is like everybody got yo get along and then I advise him I’m tired of hearing her talk about my daughter and she yells out from the car she does not think my daughter is a good mother right in front of the baby the daddy just looks at her and gets in the car and leaves she has had my daughter meet her to fight and her mother showed up with her and her best friend videoed it. I thought maybe done Gault was my daughter but now she tries to push my buttons like waving me down and cussing acting crazy and then she says I’ve got my child with me. Well her windows are tinted so I did not know but she was acting crazy screening over the speaker at Taco Bell. She has threatened my daughter . He married this girl the 2 days before custody was settled so the judge was completely unaware of the situation. Her ex husband sent me a private messege when I ask about her but our attorney did not use it cause she was never in court. She is do jealous of my daughter that the daddy and my daughter can not communicate she wants to be the person communicates with my daughter . She even tried to get me to messege her friend so her friend could messege her and then she messege the dad and then she messege the friend back to messege me . It’s crazy we need good advice please
My situation is about my daughter. She was in a mental and physical abusive relationship with the father of her youngest child. The father of her oldest son had taken her to court to take custody away from her. She won the case but was warned by the judge that any physical abuse happens then grave consequences would happen. There was an altercation and she left the abusive relationship. The father and the stepmother of the son took her back to court and the judge reversed the custody papers. My daughter lost her son. That has been two years ago and has been a living hell. The stepmother is in complete control. Allowing limited phones calls maybe every two days. Doesn’t inform her if her son is sick, and won’t allow her to take him to the doctor or any school functions. Tells the child to call her momma. What can we legally do?
I am parent with joint custody but my ex-wife is the primary parent. Her husband is constantly cussing at my kids and my ex doesn’t do anything to stop it. What options do I have to help my children? Thank you!